The Mind-Blowing Awesome of Great Sext

This post is divided sexily into two parts, the Pros and Cons of Sext. I’m starting with the pros, and I’ll get to the cons at the end, after I’ve had time to try to think of a few — assuming there are any.

Pros

1. No sexually transmitted disease is possible!

Everyone’s met or has otherwise been enlightened by the jackass who excuses his promiscuity with a deep explanation (an explanation he believes is deep) that sounds something like this:

“Therefore, we must have hot sex with monkey-people!” he never adds. I really wish he would, though.

The above popular excuse for promiscuity is ridiculous. The two most important vectors in this (albeit stripped) system are 1. continuing to survive, and 2. successfully reproducing.

The above man-tramp explanation doesn’t address continued survival at all, ignoring completely, for example, avoiding and managing disease. And to end any hope it might have secretly harbored of being somehow useful — it doesn’t even address successful reproduction. To successfully reproduce, an organism must complete a process requiring significantly more work than fertilizing an egg or maintaining an egg to be fertilized. Successful reproduction for human beings is not having an orgasm and a few, all-too-short weeks later saying “oops” into a mobile phone. Someone has to assist the surprised and pregnant through a short period of increased vulnerability. Someone has to protect and feed whatever feckless nobility hatches and wanders around until it can protect and feed itself. And there’s still more natural work. The bottom line is that, if you are a human being, you will need years to successfully reproduce.

But, back to the point: When Sexting, no sexually transmitted disease is possible!

For contrast and clarity, let’s glance over what we deal with in the Sextless world.

Hot young babes — and, yes, hot young beefcake stud muffins — are unfortunately riddled with chlamydia.

According to the CDC, 1,412,791 cases of chlamydia infection were reported in the United States in 2011, and 70% of the people enthusiastically exchanging chlamydia to terrible, angsty pop music were between 15 and 24 years old. Additionally, 321,849 cases of gonorrhea infection were reported (but only 62% of the infected were between 15 and 24, so if you are having sex with old people — i.e., people older than 24 — stay sharp).

For American sex enthusiasts, there’s no escaping by boat this chlamydia business, either. The number of cases of chlamydia infection diagnosed at GUM clinics each year in the UK has more than doubled since 1999, according to Avert. According to the NHS, and mirroring the trend of American youthful innocence, of the 186,753 people testing positive for chlamydia infection in England in 2010, more than 150,000 of them were 24 years old or younger.

Of course, in the UK, the NHS has put its foot down. In 2009, after branding London (a largish English city, very important to English people) the UK’s “chlamydia capital,” the NHS launched a public health campaign they imaginatively called, “Maybe you’ve got chlamydia.” No word yet on whether or not that campaign cured everyone.

Homosexual men continue to suffer while loving, modern, enlightened, and desperately misguided people continue to insist that there’s nothing to see which “removing stigma” won’t cure.

Syphilis is great fun — for more than 100 years, it’s been known as the Frenchman’s disease, for example, and Shakespeare loved to joke about it — but something is happening at the moment that makes it impossible to play with it.

The good news is that syphilis is still relatively rare. However:

Fully 72% of all syphilis cases in the United States are occurring within the population of homosexual men, and 40% of homosexual men with syphilis are also HIV infected. Considering the relatively small total population of homosexual men, for it to contain 72% of all syphilis cases is astonishing. The epidemic is serious.

And, as with chlamydia, similar things are happening in the UK. Avert refers to syphilis in the United Kingdom as an “epidemic” and notes that there, too, it’s concentrated among “men who have sex with men.”

Note: If you knew nothing about this before, don’t feel strange. This is the kind of thing that would be on the news every night if it were happening to any population other than gay men. In the bizarre logic of this moment in history, it’s more important to dissociate sickness from gay men than it is to help gay men address sickness.

Avoiding young hotties and men-lovin’ keeps one safe? — HA! — People outside problem groups are also crying when they pee!

I’m not sure what they pay condoms, but it’s not enough.

Miscellany:

More than 1 in 6 people between the ages of 14 and 49 in the United States have the herpes. There’s still no cure, if anyone is confused about that. 1 in 6 is not the percentage of sexually active people, or the percentage of people who have ever had sex — those percentages will be higher.

Here’s the CDC on human papillomavirus (HPV) infections:

So, HPV is a communicable infection that you may or may not have, that may or may not create genital warts and give you cancer, that you have probably either had or will have, even if you have or will have sex with only one person.

That’s encouraging, innit?

So, skipping to the chase: The Sextless world is ewy!

If you are a young adult or a homosexual man, maybe it would be better to skip it. And for everyone living in the ruins of Christendom, having sex is apparently like rolling around in a creepy medical waste dump.

All the stats above, taken together, are a swelling and painful understatement, too. The CDC acknowledges that cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis are under-reported, and many major sexually transmitted diseases are not regularly reported to the CDC to begin with, like human papillomavirus, herpes simplex, and Trichomoniasis. The CDC estimates 20 million new sexually transmitted disease infections are occurring every year, and they call the whole situation a “hidden epidemic.”

♥ ♥ ♥ I call it time for digital love! ♥ ♥ ♥

FACT: You cannot get an STD from Sext.

2. Pregnancy is unrelated to orgasm!

One of the major reasons we’re adopting our new, as-yet unnamed point of view and aborting our Traditional Values™ point of view is the promise of consequence-free sex.

Come on. It’s true.

I know this is just stating the obvious, but to review, to put everything on the table: in our new-think, things that were once related are related no longer. Consider a being living physically in our world today as a human male who believes herself to be a female dolphin. Seeing things from the old point of view, we would try stupidly to get “him” “help,” hoping that the person might one day come to understand that “he” was both male and human. Today, we intelligently scare-quote “help,” “him,” and “he,” and we make it as clear as hate speech laws can that if a person is male and human physically, absolutely no expectations should follow, not about being male, not about being human. Such expectations we call “deterministic.” Today, if any person expects our sister dolphin to urinate standing up or to cease attempts to bravely torpedo Great Whites, we warn that person about being homophobic and heteronormative, delfiniphobic and sapienonormative — and, yes, if they persist in their disruptive ways, we forcibly reeducate them. (That last part, the forcible reeducating part, is an obvious, natural eventuality only partly realized. For now, we’ve only accomplished court-ordered “sensitivity training” for a few people. But I included it in hope. Lean forward!)

A quick aside: Instead of understanding that our new-think is about removing arbitrary boundaries and unfounded assumptions, an anachronistic cynic might mistakenly believe our new-think instead strips us of our ability to identify any disease at all, mental or otherwise. In fact, a cynic might mistakenly believe our new-think is completely insane, a deliberate breaking in our minds of the relationship between cause and effect so that we can do whatever we want without paying any price in the real world for doing it. And that would be crazy.

But, back to the point: When Sexting, pregnancy is unrelated to orgasm!

What we want is to have an orgasm. What we don’t want is to reproduce. And no matter what careful, weird ballet involving hands, feet, knees, elbows, candles, flashlights, Tai Chi, and Harley Davidson one performs at the outset, there is always an inexplicable and as-yet unexplained movement during sex toward coitus. All attempts to explain to our bodies (those of us self-believing as corporeal) that sex is not about reproduction, and to our oral contraceptives that 91% really means 100%, have failed. Until we can reeducate deterministic Nature (and physics), we’re screwed. At least, we were screwed — until now!

In what happy activity is orgasm possible and coitus impossible?

Wait for it!

FACT: You cannot reproduce through Sext.

Note for morons: This does not mean Sext is a contraceptive. Do not attempt to have sex while simultaneously Sexting, expecting the Sext to prevent pregnancy. Ten out of ten for style, though.

Pros Summary

It’s time for society to answer its phone! Like overpriced, underachieving Apple products, Sext speaks for itself. No chance of disease. No chance of pregnancy. Orgasm.

We have achieved. Casual sex. Nirvana.

Cons

1. Things you give up by trading sex for Sext.

1. Sex

— Er

Cons Summary

— Wait. I didn’t think this through. I’m not sure I want

Conclusion

damn it.